March 12, 2013

Mom Guilt

Who out there has mom guilt?  If you aren't raising your hand, I will assume you are a man.

I constantly struggle with doing the right thing for me and my family.  Sometimes it is a ME vs. THEM battle that I don't want to mess with.

There are times I just want to read a book, or many books, but by the time I get home from work, supper, homework, baths, etc. all I want to do is collapse in my recliner.  Which, on most nights, I do.  After a little mindless TV and catching up on Twitter, Ruzzle, etc., I seem to get a 2nd wind. By then, it's 10?

This year, I am really trying to focus on myself for a change. My husband might tell you that it's always been about me, but he's wrong. Whether he admits it or not.

I made some promises to myself for this New Year.  Not resolutions.  Just things I really wanted to try hard to accomplish. 

Thus, each thing becomes an internal battle.

Going to the gym.  I would love to go to the gym every day.  When I finally started working out in college (probably my last year or so and only b/c there was a looming wedding dress to fit into), I really enjoyed it.  I craved it.

But back then, I had time for it.  I know I know. You should make time.

Here is where the internal battle begins.  I don't want to pay $50 a month for membership to a gym that I really like and has childcare available, when I already have a FREE membership elsewhere through my office.  They don't do childcare after hours though.

The biggest part?  I don't want to take MORE time away from my girls.  I am already away from them for 9+ hours a day (and don't get me wrong, I am NOT the stay at home mom type so the job is staying, plus I like the paycheck).  I can't seem to make myself leave them with someone else for another hour+.  Then I would be rushing to get them home and fed and in the bed so I would really collapse at bedtime. (And yes, both my kids have to have enough sleep or it gets real ugly.  Just like their Daddy.)

 I know, lame excuses right?  I have a treadmill at home that I don't use.  Well, it's broken right now but I have used it.

This is real life. I don't have a husband at home at regular hours to care for our children like some do.  No, I'm not complaining (at least not this time).  I'm just saying.  If I knew he would be home after work (ok, regular work hours) I wouldn't feel so guilty about it.

I want to eat better and get my kids eating better.  I've been trying some new recipes, but I'm not the best cook. That is one thing my husband is right about.  He showed me how to cook fish the other night.  Yep, I love to catch fish but have never cooked it.  And it's so NOT hard.  Surprisingly, one kid ate it.

But, I don't want to spend hours in the kitchen.  Especially with the time change and knowing we could be playing outside.

I keep telling myself that this is only temporary.  That before I know it, they will be off at college.  But as hard as I try to enjoy it, sometimes it gets the better of me.

I don't ever want to feel like a bad mom because I haven't taken my kids to the children's museum yet.  Well, the oldest has been but not the baby (who is so not a baby).  I feel guilty about staying at home and cleaning the house on a pretty Saturday when we could be at the park.  I feel guilty about cooking and organizing my life on Sunday afternoons when we could be playing, etc.  And many times I do go to the park and leave my house uncleaned.  But sometimes it gets gross so somebody's gotta clean it, right?

We are all human...
If we didn't have Mom guilt, we'd have nothing.
It's called a conscience.

But moments like this do help.  A bunch.

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