September 17, 2012

All Over the Place

Fair warning. This post is going to be all over the place. And long.

Some days I feel like I really have it together. Whatever IT is.  I'm OCD organized and lunches are packed and everybody gets up on time with no drama, etc.  Usually at this point of the year, I've at least done some Christmas shopping. 

Not this year.

Most of the time I feel ALL over the place (like this post).  I never imagined just how much my life would change after baby #2 came along.  I never knew how much kindergarten would change my life.

Man, was I wrong.  No, delusional.

Yeah, I'm still OCD organized but I feel like that only helps me barely stay afloat.

Most weekends include me having a to do list 10 miles long.  And here it is Monday, with only a few things (if that) crossed off.  

But you know what?  Yesterday I had a list about 5 miles long of things I wanted to accomplish.  Well, Big Sister wanted her bed rearranged, so we did that.  Then, we danced.  Like no one was watching.  All 3 girls.  And it was fabulous.  Did my to do list get done?  Not even close.  Did we make memories? Absolutely.  So what that I didn't have time to run or cook meals for all week?

Last week, Big Sister had one awesome week of kindergarten.  She's had some real struggles that have caused me to lose sleep.  They were the same problems I gave my parents when I started school.  

So yes Mom, I see you laughing.

I've struggled with wondering if I was putting unrealistic expectations on her.  Or if it was all what *I* wanted for her.  I didn't want her to be the kid that everyone said was always on a red light (which she wasn't, always).  I didn't want her to be the 'problem' child of the class and have to talk with her teacher a few times a week (yeah, we've done that already, week 2 maybe?).

Then I started thinking.  She's just going to have to figure it all out on her own.  We started a reward chart, instead of always taking stuff away.  We started with a super low goal of how many stickers she needed to get on order to get the prize or treat that she picked.  Needless to say, the 1st week we did the chart, didn't go so well.  We changed it up the next week and she did better and met her goal.  One week in there we were out for 3 days due to Isaac and she was sick one day.

For some reason, this past week, she's 'got' it.  Something clicked.  She was on green for 6 days and counting.

This may seem super petty to some, but for us, it's HUGE.  We've celebrated every day.  Oh yeah, and that sticker chart for last week?  Had every single sticker on it. I never EVER dreamed she would do that well.  

I think (I hope) she's realizing that green is way more fun that the alternatives!

Plus, I think she and her teacher have finally come to understand each other. And they absolutely adore each other.  We've become an Alcorn State University fan because our teacher's husband is their new football coach.  We hope he does well (see, all over the place I am!).

I would also like to be able to say that I don't care what other people think.  I can say that all day long.  It's not true but I can say it.  My whole life (sounds ancient but only 33 years), I've always wanted to be everyone's friend.  Well, almost everybody.  I want people to like me.  I want people to want to be my friend.  I want to do things for others in hopes that they will do them for me one day.

For some reason, I feel like I need everyone's acceptance.  Don't ask me why. If I knew, this post would be irrelevant.  Maybe this is a post for another day?

When I lost my ring and had to go without (see Wednesday's post for the rest of the story or the continuation of it), I felt like everyone was looking at my hand.  Call it trivial if you want.  But, it flat out bothers me when I walk into Walgreens with my daughter (s) and I feel like everyone is looking at my hand and saying,"Oh, just another divorced woman with kids."  If that's you, please don't be offended.  That's not my intention.  I just feel like people are wrongly judging me.

There are a lot of other areas that I feel like I need other's acceptance.  Well, most things I feel that.  I'm working on it.  I think that was the biggest issue had with this kindergarten stuff.  I didn't want my child labeled.  I didn't want her labeled as the bad kid especially.  

I was putting unrealistic expectations on her.  (Can you tell I'm reading Unglued?  Still haven't finished it but I'm working on it).  We've learned (learning) how to talk to each other.  One day last week, I was dropping her off at school.  She wanted me to let her walk in instead of our normal drop off in the carpool line.  When I told her she could walk in by herself, she pitched a fit.  When we got back in the car and went thru the carpool line (yeah, I know, DRAMA), she finally admitted to me that she was scared.  She is still a little unsure of some things. My (what I thought) 100% Miss Independent actually DOES want her Mama for some things.  And the fit only lasted 2 seconds and wasn't a full blown melt down before school.  

It's almost like we've come to some middle ground.  I've chilled some (I think anyway) and she's calmed some too.  We've met in the middle.  We are understanding each other more.  She knows that it bugs the you know what out of me when I have to tell her 10 times to do something.  I tell her once (ok maybe twice) and if she doesn't do it, she either has to sit on her bed (and not play) or she gets stickers taken away.  If she doesn't shower for 3 days? So be it.  She will once her friends tells her she stinks.

I've changed my expectations of her.  And honestly?  You know who I have to thank?  My husband.  Since he works such awful hours, most of the parenting and discipline is left to me.  When we were riding home from Starkville a few weeks ago (remember no kids? Yeah, had time to talk.), he was the one that said my expectations were too high and he was right.  He's the one that told me how to handle this child.  And, so far, it's working.

So, like I said, this has been all over the place.  Plus my use of parenthesis is a bit much (too much Boomama maybe?).  Sometimes it's just helpful to write it all down.  

Maybe this was one of those that I should just written and not posted?  Oh well.  Thanks to all who have helped me with Big Sister.  I hope this trend continues.

I will say that I am blessed to have 2 healthy, beautiful girls and a husband that loves us.
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