January 26, 2011

Patience - His Time, Not Ours

Now that everyone has seen our news, I want to be able to Keep It Real and tell you the entire story.  Only a handful of people know this story and it's not one I share easily. I've written and rewritten this post numerous times. And sorry, it's long....

Fast forward to May 2010.  I was VERY surprised to have some pregnancy symptoms.  Waited and then took a test.  Positive.  SHOCKED.  Not 100% shocked because we weren't really preventing but for other reasons I'm not getting into here.

Immediately called my super fabulous and wonderful Doctor to schedule an appointment.  They told me to come in the next day for a urine test.  Did that and it was really positive.  I was not supposed to actually see my Dr. that day because it was his surgery day.  He just happened to be walking by and saw my chart outside the door.  So he knocked and came in.  He was surprised to see me.  I told him I was surprised to be there.

Having the most wonderful Dr. I know, I told him I was terrified I was going to have twins since they ran in my family.  He offered to check and see.  Had an ultrasound at 4 weeks. Amazing.  Only showed 1 tiny speck in there.

They scheduled me an appointment to come back in 2 weeks for me 6 week check up and ultrasound.  I remember my 6 week with kiddo.  I got to hear the heartbeat.  That early.  Awesome sound.

We've had many, many friends that have had trouble conceiving or with miscarriages so I was always concerned.  The closer my appointment got, the worse I felt about it.

So, two weeks later, I was back at my Dr.'s office, lying to people I saw there telling them I was there for my yearly check-up.

They called me back for the ultrasound first.  I did not have a good feeling about it.  There was a new young girl (granted this was 3 years since I had been, she may not have been that new) that did my ultrasound.  I saw the screen.  I saw a sac and nothing else.  She could get no heartbeat.

I knew I had lost the baby.

The sweet girl kept saying, "You must not be as far along as the think."  She was wonderful.  Never led me to believe any different.  But I'm no dummy.

I went back in the waiting room for what seemed like EVER.  And it was a complete ZOO.  Too many things going on out there that was getting my blood pressure even higher.

Finally, the nurse called me back.  I sat in the room for about another 30 agonizing minutes.

Finally, my Dr. came in and was very solemn.  He told me that he didn't like what he saw on the ultrasound and he wanted to do some lab work to confirm or not.

We talked for a long time about everything.  He said that God has a plan for everyone and sometimes it's not on our time, but His alone.  I agreed but it was still hard to hear.

I got all teary-eyed (even tho he told me not to) and said that I felt like it was my fault because I said I didn't want another January baby.

Remember my Regret post?  This is what I was talking about.

It's been hard to let that statement go.  I don't want another January baby.  6 words.  Still tough to hear or write.  I've wrestled with this for a long time.  Who says that?  I knew I would never be able to fully forgive myself and let it go until I was pregnant again.

I had the blood work that day and then went back 2 days later to repeat to see if my levels had gone up or down.  I knew it was bad news so I text my Dr. and asked if he had my results.  He said yes and that he would call me in a few minutes.

When he called he told me that his worst (and mine) fears were confirmed.  No baby.

We discussed options and decided to have a D and C.  If you don't know what it is, you don't need to know.  It's basically outpatient surgery.

A week later, I was having outpatient surgery.  This was only the 2nd surgery I've ever had.  The other time was when I had tubes when I was like 4.

Before my procedure, I asked my Dr. when we could start trying again.  It took the hubby and I most of the 2 weeks to really get excited and over the shock of learning we were pregnant.  We knew we wanted to start trying again as soon as we could.

The Dr. told me I couldn't do anything for 2 weeks but could do whatever I wanted after that.

So in August, we started trying again.

God was teaching me patience.  His time, not mine.  His time, not mine.

Each and every month, I was disappointed.  I think it was October when I text my Dr. to ask if I was ever going to be back to normal.  He said to give it another couple of months and then make an appointment to see him.

Fast forward to December.  I was overdue for my yearly exam with my Dr.  So I scheduled that appointment for the beginning of the month.

We talked for a long time about everything.  He and his wife (our pediatrician) are and have been so wonderful to us!  He encouraged us to keep trying and not get discouraged.  He even told me a story about this girl that came to see him for her yearly exam and the next month was in for her first OB exam.  He said that kind of weirded him out a bit.  We laughed and I left, hopeful.

I honestly thought God was telling us to keep trying but that he still was teaching us about patience and that it's HIS TIME, not ours.

The closer it got to Christmas, the more tired I became.  I usually stay up late and get up early.  I just assumed it was catching up to me.  I was drinking lots more water (trying to be good) so I was going potty (sorry, I have a 4 year old) more frequently.  I was eating less (portion control) so I was hungry ALL THE TIME.  I didn't think much about it all until a few days before Christmas.

I honestly thought my mind was playing tricks on me.  I went to the drugstore on Dec. 23rd with 100 of my closest friends last-minute Christmas shopping.  I knew nothing would be open over the weekend with it being Christmas so I sucked it up and grabbed a pregnancy test and checked out in cosmetics.

When I got home that night, I was reading the side of the box for accuracy rates.  It said that 4 days before your missed period, it was 51% accurate.  I liked those odds and if you haven't already guessed it, I'm impatient.

When I woke up Christmas Eve morning, the hubby was at work so I took the test just to see.  I knew it would be negative and I would start the next day.  Usually how it happens.

To my GREAT surprise, it said this...

January 17, 2011 (my Dad's 66 birthday) would have been my due date had I not miscarried.  Extremely bittersweet to find out this news out in December!

Now my new due date is September 1, 2011.  Just slightly delayed from original due date.

I've learned that it's soooo His time and not mine!

And to all my friends that have been through this before and I have not seemed compassionate toward, it's hard to fully understand until you've lived it, been through it.  I sincerely apologize.  I get it now.  All of it.  And the more people I tell, the more I realize it's so common.  Even though, it's never easy to tell the story.  It's much easier to write.  And, while I am still nervous because I know something can still happen, after seeing pictures and hearing a SWEET heartbeat at my ultrasound last week, I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of me.

No one understands how much of a failure you feel like unless you  have been there.  My dear sweet friend and sorority sister Adrienne has has 7 pregnancies and only 1 baby.  She and her husband are so wonderful that they have also adopted 3 more kids and have gone from a family of 3 to 6 in 2 years.  If you haven't read their story, go to her blog to read it. Super inspirational!

I am glad that we had chosen to wait to spread our news.  It helped me knowing that not many people knew what I was going through.  Though, it did help to talk with some who had been through it before.

The hardest thing was telling my Mom and my mother in law.  Neither of them knew about the pregnancy so they were shocked as well.  There were some people I didn't tell until after my surgery and to them, I am sorry.  It was extremely hard to talk about and still is. 

So with all that said, we are elated for this baby and the things to come.  We also have a niece or nephew that will be here about a month before ours.  We could not be more excited for Josh and Mar and Blake!  They were the first to find out our secret since stupid me left the pictures on my camera!

With all that said, I would still cherish any prayers that you could send my way.  I don't think I will get over the nerves until I can start feeling this sweet little bean moving and kicking!  I have more anxiety each and every time I tell someone.  I told my co-workers Friday and I was almost in a cold sweat.  I was shaking the rest of the day.  Weird?  No.  It's real.  My fear is paralyzing.  But over the weekend I decided just to fully turn it all over to God.  If it's meant to be, it's meant to be.  If not, we will try again.  My sweet hubby (don't call him sweet that often) told me Christmas Eve not to get discouraged if the same thing happened again.  And that we would try again.  He is right.  And yeah, I DON'T say that often.

And I want to say thanks to all of you for choosing to go on this journey with us.  We are only 9 weeks so it's still early.  Kiddo seems to be excited.  She's had baby names picked out for what seems like a year.  If you ask her, she will tell you she will have a baby brother named Caleb.  Not necessarily the name we like, but for now, that's what she can call "it".  Nephew says we are also having a boy, but named Equipment.  More specifically, Front Shovel.  Has a ring to it?  ha!

Oh, and as of this very day in 1996, the hubby and I started dating.  Man, that was a long time ago.  15 years ago.  That's half of my life.  We've already outlasted most marriages.  And still going strong!
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